The Pursuit of Perfection: Vice or Virtue in Judaism?
Chazal exhort us to strive for ever higher goals. It says in Tanna d'vei Eliyahu (chap. 25) that every person is obligated to ask himself "mosai yagieu masai l'masai avosai?" (when will my deeds equal those of my forefathers)? Likewise, the concept of "shleimoos," which can be translated as perfection, is also an honored goal in chazal. On the other hand, clinical experience and research indicates that perfectionism is often associated with serious emotional disorders (Blatt, 1996; Flett & Hewitt, 2002; Sorotzkin, 1985, 1998) which, in turn, eventually results in lower levels of achievement.
This paper will briefly review the literature on perfectionism, examine Yiddishkeit's attitude toward perfection, some common misconceptions and misapplications of this concept, and the impact of the above on frum patients and therapists.
Perfectionism
In a comprehensive review of the literature on "the destructiveness of perfectionism," Blatt (1995) states:
The research literature on perfectionism has grown remarkably in the past decade. Numerous empirical investigations... provide consistent evidence that perfectionism is a multi-dimensional construct that can have an important role in adaptive and maladaptive functioning, including a wide range of disorders, especially depression and suicide (p. 1005).
Regarding specific diagnostic categories, perfectionism has been associated with obsessive-compulsive disorders, where the person seeks perfection with regard to self-control, with narcissism, where the individual needs to see himself or herself as perfect, (S. B. Miller, 1996) and with depression (Blatt, 1995). Sarno (1998) has also attributed chronic back pain and other somatic conditions to the stress associated with perfectionistic tendencies. Elsewhere (Sorotzkin, 1998), I have discussed how perfectionism is especially prevalent among religious patients, particularly adolescents.
Much attention has recently been paid in the frum community to those youngsters who act out their emotional distress by rebelling against religion. I contend that perfectionism is, in effect, an internalized version of the same phenomenon. Rather than rebelling, these youngsters react to their feelings of failure, rejection and disappointment by trying to be perfect, in a desperate attempt to gain the recognition and acceptance they crave.
What's wrong with trying to be perfect?
A common objection I hear from patients or their families, when I suggest that they are suffering from "perfectionism" is: "What's wrong with trying to be perfect?" Being ambitious, competitive and striving for ever-higher spiritual goals are seen as positive attributes by frum patients. It is assumed by most frum people (incorrectly, as we shall soon see), that the chazal that states that being sameach bechelko (happy with one's lot) is a prerequisite for acquiring Torah knowledge (Avos 6:6), refers only to temporal possessions. In regard to spiritual acquisitions, being happy with what one has already achieved is seen as a negative trait at best, or a fatal defect in one's spiritual makeup, at worse.
The pursuit of excellence vs. the quest for perfection
In order to explain the pathology of perfectionism, we need to distinguish between the pursuit of excellence (Hamachek, 1978) and the quest for perfection (Sorotzkin, 1985, 1998). People with healthy self-esteem can be motivated by a positive desire to excel in a particular pursuit. They would typically view this pursuit as a process where each step is experienced as a positive ego-enhancing event bringing them closer to their ultimate goal.1 They are comfortable with their humanness and, therefore, accepting of inevitable personal and environmental limitations (Pacht, 1984), even while exercising their will power and sense of motivation to improve and excel.
The perfectionist's drive for success and accomplishment may seem, on the surface, very similar to that of the healthy "striver for excellence." However, the underlying dynamics are very different. There are pervasive feelings of shame (S. B. Miller, 1996; Sorotzkin, 1998) which induce a compensatory drive for grandiosity and perfection. Since perfection is necessary to negate deep pervasive feelings of defectiveness, anything less than total perfection is experienced as a humiliating defect and a narcissistic injury. In contrast to the "striver for excellence" who is motivated primarily by a wish for success, the perfectionist is driven primarily by the fear of the humiliation of failure (see Blatt, 1995; Sorotzkin, 1985 & 1998).
It is important to emphasize that these distinctions are difficult to spot, since patients rarely spontaneously volunteer to speak about their grandiose/perfectionistic tendencies. In fact, most often they are only dimly aware of it - if at all. At most, they are aware of the resulting symptoms - e.g. being overly anxious about their performance, procrastinating and feeling depressed.
The clinician can distinguish between the healthy and unhealthy forms of striving by investigating how the patient deals with his/her less-than-perfect performances. The healthy person can be satisfied, and even proud of a superior, albeit non-perfect, performance, while the perfectionist experiences it as a humiliating defeat and a narcissistic injury (Sorotzkin, 1985).2
Perfectionistic patients will often reject the suggestion that fear and other negative emotions motivate them. Rather, they insist that they truly enjoy what they are doing (e.g. learning Torah). It is only upon closer examination that it becomes clear that they are only enjoying avoiding the feeling of guilt and shame that they would experience if they were not learning. They are not capable of actually enjoying an activity or achievement for its own sake, since they will always be convinced that they are not doing it as well as they should. It is for this reason that they can be very successful at what they do and yet still feel depressed. Likewise, they often experience strong feelings of jealousy accompanied by profound anger at the successful person who makes them acutely aware of their imperfections.
Religious issues
Therapists who treat frum patients, report that these patients often use frumkeit as a defense, e.g. claiming that "the Torah requires me to be compulsive" (Sorotzkin, 1998; Wikler, 1982). Non-religious, or not-religiously knowledgeable, therapists are more likely to avoid dealing directly with the religious challenges brought up by their patients (Worthington et al., 1996). They will feel more comfortable suggesting that the patient discuss these issues with his/her spiritual advisor. While this has the advantage of preventing therapy sessions from turning into theological debates, there are also distinct disadvantages. For one, a sharp distinction between religious and psychological issues is an artificial one for most frum psychotherapy patients. Their psychopathology clearly colors their understanding or lack thereof, of the Torah and chazal. By keeping religious issues out of therapy, this dynamic is never sufficiently explored.
Even if the Rov to whom the patient turns is familiar and comfortable with psychological issues, in most cases the patient will not be as comfortable discussing details of his/her emotional life with the Rov as he/she would be revealing them to a therapist. Nonetheless, a frum therapist is not a substitute for the patient's Rov. Rather, the therapist should help patients get more out of their relationship with their Rov, by helping them become more open and knowledgeable about themselves, especially in regard to the interplay between their frumkeit and psychological concerns.3
A religious therapist is more likely to address religious issues with religious patients, at least at some level (Worthington, et al 1996). Peteet (1994) discusses four levels at which the therapist can approach religious issue, ranging from "acknowledge the [religious] problem but focus exclusively on its psychological dimension, to "address the spiritual problem directly within the treatment through the use of a shared religious or spiritual dimension" (p. 237).
In my practice, I try to fine-tune the level at which I deal with the frumkeit issues to the specific needs of each patient. Some patients rarely bring up frumkeit per se, even if their problems involve hashkafah issues. Others focus a great deal on hashkafah questions, especially if they feel that I am religiously similar to them, which requires more than just both of us being frum (Wikler, 1979).
Discussing religious doctrine with a patient carries the danger of assuming the role of pastoral counselor and can induce strong countertransference reactions (Peteet, 1994, Zeiger & Louis, 1998), yet, it also holds the opportunity to explore idiosyncratic distortions of religious beliefs. While for the most part I conduct therapy with frum patients by focusing on psychodynamic issues, I do not hesitate to discuss hashkafah and frumkeit issues if it is indicated.4
In discussing clinical issues with fellow Orthodox clinicians, it is clear that Orthodox patients bring up a wide range of religious issues relating to their presenting symptoms. This paper will focus on religious issues related to perfectionism, which I have found to be an underlying dynamic among many Orthodox patients.
Image of Hashem
As discussed above, the religious activities of perfectionists are motivated primarily by fear. This causes them, therefore, to be anxious, extreme, inflexible and lacking in perspective in their religious observances and to be overly concerned with how they are perceived by others (Worthington, 1996). An in-depth analysis of what is creating such fear usually uncovers a terrifying image of a capricious and vengeful G-d.
"Eli,"5 a 20 year old yeshiva bachur, was referred with symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Among other things, shachris was taking him over four hours. He related that his Rebbi convinced him that indeed Hashem does not want him to take so long to daven or to be so anxious about his davening. But, in spite of these realizations, he was unable to daven any quicker.
Further analysis revealed that, although he accepted that Hashem wants him to daven quicker, he could not imagine that Hashem would forego a perfectly correct pronunciation of his davening. So, even though Hashem wants him to speed up his davening, if he mispronounced any of the words, there would be hell to pay (literally). Thus the Rov's well-intentioned efforts to help Eli - by telling him that Hashem wants him to daven faster - only added to Eli's pressure, since he was incapable of perceiving this as a dispensation. Rather, he experienced it as an additional requirement. As is often the case with perfectionistic/OCD patients, Eli perceived G-d as a bully just waiting for his slightest misstep in order to severely punish him. He could only escape this fate by being so perfect that Hashem would not have a "pretext" to punish him.
Eli initially insisted that his image of a vengeful G-d was a normative belief in Yiddishkeit. I challenged the religious validity of his image. I suggested that his image of G-d as a vicious bully fit more with the understanding of the ancient idol-worshipers, who felt they had to appease their despotic gods, than that of our traditional understanding of worshipping our benevolent Creator. I showed him a passage from a history book written by a Rov:
Such was the ancient concepts of the gods... the world was populated by numerous powerful, capricious and unseen creatures who controlled the destiny and fortunes of mankind, creatures who were spiritual only in the sense that they were invisible and immortal but were material in every other sense.... They could look benignly on human affairs or they could vent their anger... Men paid homage and brought sacrifices... in the fervent hope that the gods would be appeased and would not bring misery and sorrow to mankind (R' Reinman, 1995, pp. 18-29).
One of the major goals of therapy for this patient was to uncover how his image of a harsh and punitive G-d was shaped by the parental image rather than by normative religious belief. If one grows up with parents (the first and primary authority figures for all children) who are harsh, capricious and unfairly punitive then it is understandable that he will also come to see the ultimate "Authority Figure" in the same light. The patient came to see that his image of Hashem did not accurately reflect traditional sources in chazal which emphasize that Hashem is benevolent and wishes us well (Or HaChaim, Bereishis, 12:1, Shmos, 19:3; Rashi, Shmos, 20:2).6
Psychic Determinism and Free Will
Attribution of responsibility for the patient's problems, both by the patient and by the therapist, can have a substantial impact on the therapy process (Hayes & Wall, 1998). Frum patients (and their families) will often resist the therapist's attempts to put their negative behavior in the perspective of their past history, especially if it seems to them that the therapist is excusing their negative behavior. They will often frame this resistance in religious terms, that chazal champion total free will (bechira), so that regardless how disadvantaged or abusive a person's life-situation was or is, this in no way limits his/her range of free-will. They will also employ the oft quoted phrase "ein lecha davar haomeid bifnei haratzon" (there is nothing that stands in the way of a person's will, the equivalent of "when there is a will there is a way") as a means of denying the possibility that past history can limit a person's options in the present. This issue is especially problematic for perfectionists, since acknowledging limitations (internal or external) to one's freedom of action is, in itself, experienced as a narcissistic injury.
I counter these arguments with the following. The idea of unlimited free-will regardless of circumstances (past or present) defies both traditional sources and logic. The Rambam clearly states that a "tinok shenishba" (a Jew raised since infancy as a non-Jew) is not held responsible for violating Torah law (Mishneh Torah, Hilchos Mamrim, 3:3), so obviously we cannot be totally oblivious to history in attributing responsibility for behavior (i.e., free-will). The Rambam also makes it clear that merely informing a tinok shenishba that he is a Jew and that he is obligated to observe the mitzvos is not sufficient to take a person out of the category of tinok shenishba.
Even the most radical proponent of unlimited free-will will concede the limits of free-will when presented with an actual extreme case of external pressure. Take, for example, a case where a child was raised by a "religious" parent who had beaten him viciously on a regular basis for many years until the child rebelled against religion. Would anyone claim that this child should be held equally responsible as would a child who grew up in an ideal setting?!
Elsewhere (Sorotzkin, 1996), I have shown how - based on Rabbi Dessler's concept of "nekudas habechira" / level of free will (Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 1, pp. 111-120) - Yiddishkeit recognizes that life circumstances can restrict a person's level of free will and subsequently, his degree of responsibility.7
At the other end of the spectrum, while psychologists can often illuminate the meaning of a person's past behavior by exploring his/her past history, they are much less effective in predicting future behavior. This is due to the unpredictable factors of will power and free will (Basch, 1978).
Balance and Perspective
The most difficult task in treating perfectionistic and obsessive-compulsive frum patients is not in challenging specific distortions in their religious belief system. Rather it is in overcoming the superficial, non-contextual, perfectionistic ("black and white") perspective with which they approach everything they do. With frum patients, it expresses itself most destructively in their religious observance only because that happens to be a major important area in their lives.
In their desperate attempt to see themselves as flawless, perfectionists will often disavow or "split off" their negative impulses and thoughts in a process termed "the vertical split" by Kohut (1971). Rather than just repressing or denying their negative impulses and actions (a "horizontal split") they disavow that aspect of themselves (a "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde" syndrome; i.e., "I could never do such a thing"). This has the "benefit" of making possible the illusion of self perfection since the person disavows the less-than-perfect parts of himself. However, when the negative impulse eventually asserts itself it does so without the moderating influence of the person's positive attributes, since they have been split off and are not experienced as parts of an integrated whole person (see Sorotzkin, 1998, Goldberg, 1999, & Orange et al., 1997).8
I try to convey to my patients Yiddishkeit's complex, sophisticated, and multi-layered approach to all areas of life. An example is Rabbi Dessler's concept of nekudas habechira (level of free will) discussed above which delicately balances the need for people to take responsibility for their actions with the necessity of recognizing that external events impact on their range of options at any given moment. Likewise, I point out that the daily activities of a frum Jew often involve negotiating an area of tension between two poles. On one end are lofty idealistic goals; while on the other end is a realistic acceptance of human nature. There are major risks in going too far in either direction.9 Overemphasizing the restrictions of reality can result in stunted ambition and a deficiency in the will to better oneself, while overemphasizing idealistic goals can result in grandiosity and perfectionism with its attending anxiety and depression and eventual burnout. A balanced attitude of striving for a realistic level of excellence, on the other hand, should not be seen as merely "toned down" grandiosity and perfectionism. It is rather, a totally different attitude with different underlying dynamics (Sorotzkin, 1998). As a patient once put it quite insightfully; "I used to try to become taller by floating above the ground, now I try to grow taller with my feet planted firmly on the ground."10
Most perfectionists grew up in homes where religion was of an extrinsic (Worthington et al, 1996) and superficial nature (Sorotzkin, 1998), and so developing a broader, balanced and more nuanced perspective is quite a difficult task for them.11
I first met "Dovid" when he was a 16 year-old Yeshiva student presenting with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and depression. One of the outstanding features in Dovid's parents' attitude to his emotional difficulties was their overriding concern with, "what will the neighbors say?" when they became aware of Dovid's non-conformist behavior and their distress over his disregard for his religious duties, without regard for the obvious underlying emotional disturbance. This distorted their perception of the severity of Dovid's various symptoms.
A startling example of this distortion was an urgent phone call from Dovid's father two months into the therapy. Dovid's condition had deteriorated significantly. He had dropped out of Yeshiva, and was spending most of the day in bed. He had withdrawn totally from social interactions and a psychiatrist who had recently seen him, diagnosed him as "possibly schizophrenic". "Dovid has been leaving the Shabbos table in the middle of the meal to go to his room!" his father told me with a tone of urgency. But, his concern was not about his son's tendency to isolate himself. Rather, "How can he leave the table when he sees that we need him for a mezumen!?" It is not surprising, then, that three years later, after Dovid was no longer keeping kosher or observing Shabbos, that he found himself struggling with the issue of wearing jeans instead of black pants! Congruent with his upbringing, this was a more momentous issue for him than observing Shabbos or keeping kosher etc.
The Torah's attitude toward perfectionism
I often use sources from the Talmud and the Midrash to show my patients that an emotionally healthy and balanced approach to frumkeit is congruent with the Torah.12
Self Esteem vs. Humbleness
Perfectionistic frum patients will often resist attempts by a therapist to enhance their self-esteem by claiming that the Torah mandates being humble. While a frum therapist can quote chazals that discuss the importance of self-esteem,13 this only confuses the patient who cannot understand how to integrate this with the sources that stress the importance of humbleness. The integration of seemingly contradictory thoughts and feelings (e.g. self-esteem and humility) is an especially difficult task for perfectionists (Sorotzkin, 1998).
Instead, I present a concept that integrates self-esteem and humility. It is an idea based on a fascinating discussion by Rabbi Y. P. Goldwasser (cited in Rabbi Bifoos, 1988, Yalkut Lekach Tov, Vol. 2, p. 190) on the well-known Midrash that, "Any talmid chochom whose internal virtues are not consistent with his external appearance (aino tocho kebaro) is not a true talmid chochom." The Midrash deduces this from the construction of the Aron HaKodesh, which was shining gold both on the outside, and on the inside. Rabbi Goldwasser asks, how can we learn the need for non-superficiality from the Aron when the Aron itself was not gold through and through, for it had a wooden core!? It would have been better to learn it from the solid gold Menorah. Rabbi Goldwasser explains that it is obvious to everyone that a talmid chochom has to have a respectable outward appearance (corresponding to the Aron's outer gold layer) with underlying humility (corresponding to the Aron's inner wooden core). The Midrash reminds us that under the wood the Aron also had another gold layer. This represents a person's core positive self-esteem. Thus, the personality of a talmid chochom can be seen as consisting of three layers. At the core, under the humility, is positive self-regard, since it is low self-esteem and excessive feelings of guilt that often leads to arrogance (Broucek, 1991; S. B. Miller, 1996; Sorotzkin, 1985). The final external layer is one of a respectful appearance. The challenge is to integrate these seemingly conflicting attitudes into one healthy person.14
Hashem's attribute of justice vs. Hashem's attribute of mercy
As indicated above, most perfectionistic patients, due to their negative experiences with overly critical and punitive early life authority figures (Sorotzkin, 1998)15, are only able to relate to the stern and punitive aspect of Hashem, but not to His attribute of mercy and forgiveness.
I try to help these patients develop a more nuanced perspective of the complex and multi-dimensional attributes of Hashem. This balanced perspective recognizes that Torah does indeed make demands on us, but Hashem is "reasonable" in what He expects of us and does give consideration to our circumstances.16 The purpose of feeling guilty is to motivate us to improve and not to overwhelm and emotionally paralyze us, since such feelings are more likely to induce further negative behavior.17
A powerful statement regarding the need for a balanced approach to guilt is found in the Keser Rosh from Rabbi Chaim Volozhin, (printed in the Siddur HaGra). The Keser Rosh discusses those who are distraught with guilt over haschosas zerah (improper emission of seed) - a frequent cause of emotional turmoil among frum adolescents. He criticizes those who quote from the Zohar regarding the severity of this sin and of the eventual punishment for it, yet neglect to quote the end of this same Zohar, which says that Torah study corrects this sin (para. 3).
In an extraordinary footnote the Keser Rosh quotes from the Shnai Luchos HaBris:
Those chasidim (stringent ones) who are stringent and state that there is no correcting this sin... they are the ones who induce an increase of sinning among us, and cause people to distance themselves from Hashem, since the sinner, when he hears that there is no repentance for this sin will abandon all attempts to improve himself. [These chasidim] cause the Shechinah to go into golus and rather than be called chasidim (stringent ones) should more properly be called "chaseirim" (lacking ones) and their punishment will be very severe [#58].18
Ambition vs. satisfaction with one's lot
As mentioned above, perfectionistic frum patients often feel that they are prohibited from being happy with their level of religious observance. They believe that the dictum of chazal that one needs to be satisfied with his lot in order to be successful in acquiring Torah knowledge (Avos, 6:6) is referring only to temporal (gashmius) acquisitions. In regard to ruchnius aspirations, in contrast, unchecked ambitiousness, competitiveness19 and striving for ever higher goals is the obligatory attitude. In fact, there are meforshim who state clearly that the importance of being satisfied with one's lot applies to being satisfied with one's ruchnius achievements as well.20
Likewise, regarding the obligation to strive to reach the spiritual level of our forefathers (Tanna d'vei Eliyahu, chap. 25), we see a tension between two poles. While most meforshim make it clear that we cannot actually expect to reach such high levels, still each person needs to strive to reach the highest possible level for him/herself.21
Similarly, regarding the honored idea in Yiddiskeit of striving for "shleimoos" (literally, wholeness), which can be interpreted as perfection. A closer look at how the concept is used in chazal reveals a more realistic understanding. For example, Rabbi Mandelbaum (1986, p. 89), uses the term to describe someone who uses his potential to its fullest.22 Shleimoos can also be understood as requiring that one take a holistic approach to his religious devotion rather than overemphasizing one aspect of Torah observance at the expense of a (equally important) different commandment.23
The necessity for both the idealistic pursuits of lofty goals and grounded realism is best symbolized by the Aron HaKodesh that contained both the broken first luchos and the second luchos. As explained by Rav Dessler (Michtav MeEliyahu, 1990, vol. 2, p. 30), the first luchos represent the lofty spiritual level of kedusha and purity that the Yidden aspired to, but which turned out to be beyond their reach and therefore had to be shattered. The second luchos were of a lower level of kedusha, more in keeping with the Yidden's actual level of kedusha. While we have to function at our realistic level, we also keep the broken luchos in the Aron as a reminder of our lofty aspirations in order to maintain our motivation for continuous spiritual growth (see R' M. Miller, 1994, pp. 128-137).
It needs to be emphasized that the purpose of discussing these hashkafah issues in therapy is not primarily to convince patients to adopt a different hashkafic attitude. Rather, it is to bring out the point that their idiosyncratic religious understanding is a result of their personal psychological history that needs to be explored in therapy.
Summary
Chazal encourage us to aspire to lofty goals, while recognizing human limitations. Those who are emotionally predisposed to perfectionism, due to a fragile sense of self, are likely to lose this balance and perspective. They may instead develop grandiose fantasies and make extreme religious demands of themselves, resulting in various emotional disorders. When these issues are discussed in therapy, the patient may resist by insisting that he or she is religiously required to think and behave in this manner. In spite of the risks involved in discussing religious issues in therapy, it is often clinically indicated with frum patients. A religiously similar and knowledgeable therapist can help the perfectionistic patient understand the psychological factors that shaped his idiosyncratic religious attitudes.
I would like to end with a story that happened with the Steipler Gaon that illustrates some of the points made in this article. The Steipler heard of a bochur who was trying to emulate the Steipler’s diligence by staying to all hours of the night learning and thus developing a schedule that turned night into day and day into night. The Steipler asked to speak to the bochur. At first, the Steipler cited chazals and stories from gedolim that actually supported this type of behavior and the bochur was elated. But then the Steipler reproached him: All this is true, but… - But there is a factor that needs to be the main consideration and trumps all other considerations – to be a normal person! In the past, explained the Steipler, this was normal behavior for serious learners, but today this is no longer normal, and therefore all your arguments and justifications are irrelevant and if you persist the end will be tragic!24
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Acknowledgments: Earlier versions of this paper were presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association on May 9, 1996, in NYC and at the Nefesh Conference, May 21-25, 1998 in Spring Glen, NY.
1) See R' M. Feinstein, cited in R' Bergman (1998), p. 122; R' Y. Hutner (1995), Pachad Yitzchok, Shevuos, Sec. 22 and R' Y. Y. Sorotzkin (1988), Meged Yosef, Bereishis (29:20).
2)R' M. Miller (1979) cites R' E. E. Dessler that one is often elevated to artificial heights and grandiose gestures by momentary inspirations, but a person's essential character is reflected only in his/her day-to-day routine (p.192). R' S.Z. Zeiv (1957) states that reshoim also have a desire to do mitzvos, but only glamorous ones (p. 131). See also R' Chaim Shmulevitz, Sichos Musser, Sec. 1, p. 80 and R' E. Shach (1997) pp. 141-142.
3)Many perfectionists seek advice from their rabbi not out of a wish to clarify their religious obligations, rather they want someone to take responsibility for their behavior, in order to escape the wrath of a G-d they perceive as vengeful and capricious (see below under "Image of G-d").
4)In order for therapists to be able to identify their patients' idiosyncratic beliefs and contrast them with authoritative, mainstream perspectives on religious issues, it is important that they review these issues with a knowledgeable rabbi.
5)Names and details in the case illustrations have been changed to preserve confidentiality
6)See also Rashi, Yechezkel (20:3), and Talmud Sotah 11a - "Hashem's measure of beneficence is greater (500 times greater - Tosafos) than the measure of His retribution"; R' E. E. Dessler, Vol. 4, p. 55: P'nimim Meshulchan Gavoha (R' Eliach, 1995), Devarim p. 101, in the name of R' Yisroel Salanter; [and R' Matisyahu Salomon, Kuntros Tov Ayin Hu Yevorach, p. 27].
7)Surprisingly, Ein lecha davar haomed bifnai haratzon (which is commonly understood as "nothing stands in the way of a person's will") is not found in the Talmud or in the Midrash. Rather, it is a saying based on a Zohar, which states that everything a person achieves is a result of his/her will (see R' Mandelbaum, 1996 p. 14). This Zohar highlights the indisputable and indispensable importance of will, but that is a far cry from what is implied by the simple meaning of the popular saying - i.e. that no force can impede the exercise of a person's will. This is clearly not so. [R' Matisyahu Salomon explains, (based on the Chovas Halevovos) that nothing stands in the way of our will, but many obstacles can stand in the way of putting our will into action (Matnas Chaim, Maamorim, p. 18 and Kuntros Habo Letaher, p. 14 and p. 29)]. (Cf. R' Meir Lublin, cited in R' Bifoos, 1988, Yalkut Lekach Tov, Vol. 1, p. 71 and the Yalkut Lekach Tov, Vol. 2 pp. 184-185 in the name of the Chofetz Chaim).
8)See R' C. M. Katz, Be'er Mechokek (1989), pp. 40-46 ("Shleimoos Bekeium Hamitzvos"), where he wonders how Esuv could have been so great in his kibud av and yet still remain such a rosho. This is similar to the phenomenon observed in some perfectionists, who can be especially meticulous in the observance of some mitzvos, while being unusually impulse-ridden in regard to serious aveiros. R' Katz explains that the motivation for Esuv's kibud av did not emanate from a positive spiritual source. Alternatively, he suggests that Esuv put all his energy into one mitzvah leaving him with no energy for fulfilling the rest of the mitzvos. Perhaps we can combine these two answers. We know that Esuv was driven to impress his father in order to gain his approval. It seems that at some level he was aware of, and disturbed by, his low-level of spirituality. His attempt to reach perfection in kibud av was perhaps a compensation for a poor self-image rather than a result of spiritual striving. Since he was driven by a need to impress, it is not surprising that he focused his efforts to be better than anyone else in one mitzvah rather than striving for harmonious growth in all mitzvos.
9)The Chovas Halevovos states that an intrinsic part of zehiros (meticulousness) is not to be overly meticulous (shelo tarbeh lehizoher) (cited in R' Greenwald, 1989, p. 7).
10)Likewise, R' Dessler (1990) in the Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 1 states: G-d fashioned His service like a ladder firmly planted on the ground with its head reaching up to heaven. Rung by rung the person must work...he cannot jump any part of the way. All his life he has to progress laboriously from step to step (Eng. trans. pp. 98-99). Elsewhere (p. 266), R' Dessler discusses the danger of doing too little hishtadlus (worldly endeavor) in relation to the person's level of bitochon (trust in G-d). (Cf. Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 5, p. 435). For fascinating examples of how competing religious imperatives define and refine each other, see R' Y. L. Bloch (1989), Sheurei Daas, Vol. 2, pp. 138-150; R' C. Shmulevitz (1979), Sichos Mussar, Sec. 2, Chaps. 18 & 24; R' Yitzchok Hutner, Pachad Yitzchok, Sefer Hazikoron, p. 101; R' Dessler (1990) Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 4 p. 55; and R' Yaakov Kaminetzky Emes L'Yaakov (1996) pp. 164-165. It is my impression that, while in the past it was more common for people in the American Orthodox Jewish community to overemphasize the restrictions of reality, today there is a greater danger of youngsters striving for perfectionistic and grandiose goals.
11)Recently, various mechanchim (e.g., R' Friedman, 1996, pp. 79-94 and R' Mandelbaum, 1996, p. 56) have sadly noted that some contemporary religious people have a superficial and joyless approach to religious activities.
12)I also encourage them to discuss these issues with their Rabbeim, but only if they can be honest about themselves. Otherwise the advice they get is likely to not be appropriate for them.
13)E.g., Ramban, Shmos 35:21 - Vayegbah lebo bedarchai Hashem; Rabbeinu Bachya, Kad Hakemach, p. 108; Rabbeinu Yona, cited in R' Wolbe (1986), Alei Shur, Vol. 2, p. 227; R' Chaim Shmulevitz (1979), Sichos Mussar, Sec. 2, pp. 51-54 (Nechbodus).
14)See R' E. E. Dessler , Michtav MeEliyahu Vol. 5, p. 33, that an inferiority complex is the source of arrogance and R' Shmuel Auerbach, Ohel Rochel, p. 152, in the name of R' Yaakov Emdin, that an emphasis on humility can be very destructive. See also R' Tzodok HaCohen, Pri Tzadik, Sec. 4, (Shevuos) pp. 57-58, who explains that high self-regard is not a contradiction to humility; R' E. Shach (1997), Shimusha shel Torah, pp. 32-33; Midrash Tanchuma, Shmos 31: 18 which speaks of being. "humble and famous" (anav u'mefursom); and R' M. Roberts, (1999), who speaks of "striking a balance between humility and self-esteem."
15) A contemporary mechanech (R' Mandelbaum, 1996) notes that some religious parents are "apathetic to their children's emotional needs and find it difficult to provide them with that which is most crucial to their development, i.e., love" (p. 58). See also R' Friedman (1996), p. 63.
16)Ein HaKodosh Boruch Hu bo beterunia eim breiosuv - G-d does not deal despotically with his creations - Avodah Zorah 3a. (See also R'Yabrov, (1999) Maase Ish [Chazon Ish] p. 216 in f.n.). As for the Talmudic saying (Baba Kama 50a) that condemns those who say G-d is a vatron (lenient, complaisant, indulgent), see the explanations of R' Chaim Volozhin and the D'var Avrohom, cited in R' D. Eliach (1995), P'nimim Meshulchan Gavoha Vol. 5, pp. 258-259 and of R' E. E. Dessler (1990), Michtav MeEliyahu Vol. 1, p. 14 and Vol. 3, p. 336.
17)R' Chaim Shmulevitz (1979), Sichos Mussar, Sec. 1, pp. 41-43 - "Meigra ramah lebira amiktu"; R' E. M. Bloch (1983), Zichron Eliyahu, p. 323; R' E. E. Dessler (1990), Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 4, p. 263; R' Y. B. Friedman (1996), Nefesh HaYeshiva, p. 98.
18)See also R' Y. Y. Kanievsky (Steipler Rov) (1986), Kariona DeIgrasa, Vol. 1, #165.
19)See R' M. Eisemann (1999) p. 126, R' S. Y. Weinberg (cited in R' S. M. Neuberger, 1999, p. 14), R' Friedman (1996), pp. 45-66 and Sorotzkin (1994) and R' Matisyahu Salomon in Matnas Chaim, Kinyonim, Vol. 1, p. 69 for a discussion of competition in the yeshiva.
20)See Sfas Emes, cited in R' A. Pam (1993), Atara Lemelech p. 167 and Rav Shmuel Auerbach in Sefer Ohel Rochel p. 154 citing the Vilna Gaon. R' Matisyahu Salomon in Matnas Chaim, Kinyonim, Vol. 1, pp. 237-239 explains that when a person is happy with his achievements in learning he experiences the peace of mind necessary to continue learning. In a similar vein, R' Pam states that many of the methods of teshuvah recommended by the classical mussar seforim, with their emphasis on harsh self-criticism, is not appropriate for our generation. This type of self-criticism is likely to cause the contemporary frum Yid to become depressed with a devastating impact on his emotional health and on his religious growth (p. 175). It may be that in previous generations there was a stronger underlying self-esteem so that people could better tolerate self-criticism.
21)R' Chaim Shmulevitz (1979), Sichos Mussar, Sec. 2, p. 102; R' E. E. Dessler, (1990) Michtav MeEliyahu, Vol. 3, p. 184. See also R' Elchonon Wasserman (1963), Kovetz Maamorim, p. 48 and R' M. Feinstein (1988), Dorash Moshe, p. 41.
22)See also R' A. Y. Sorotzkin (1988), pp. 5-6.
23)See R' C. M. Katz, Be'er Mechokek (1989), pp. 40-46 ("Shleimoos Bekeium Hamitzvos"). Cf. the Beis Halevi al Hatorah, parshas Lech Lecha on the concept of tamim, for which the English translator (Targum/Feldheim) uses the term "perfection."
24)Hagodas HaKhillos Yaakov, Bnai Brak, 2005, pp. 74-76.
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